At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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