Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
