My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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