break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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