Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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