I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
