my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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