The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
