Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
