i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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