Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
