I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
