I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
