Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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