I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
