Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
