I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
