His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
