let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
