dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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