I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
