I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
