everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize