hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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