naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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