somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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