o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
