Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I met the friendliest cop last night
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Congratulations! We have a period
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
