I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
