Four minutes until I can fart!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
