I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
