There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
