She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
