sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize