Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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