i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
