if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
