it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
