he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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