Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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