We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
