My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
