We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
