My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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