He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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