This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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