I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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