Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
