I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
