I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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