Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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