My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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