my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
