don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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