i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
