Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
