In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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