you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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