Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
