I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
